Iris
by Singing Daisy
Summary: Was a one-shot, but I got inspiration for a new chapter. Read and Review, pretty pretty please! I need the encouragement, lol.
1. Iris

Author's Note: This is my first song fic, so I wasn't sure how osng fics were done, exactly. Like if you did it line by line, or stanza by stanza. I did this by stanza. And the song doesn't start for a while. It's set during Loss, the night before Alex gets... you know. Shot and stuff. Okay, well, here goes!

Disclaimer: If they were mine, I wouldn't be writing on I'd be writing the actual scripts and getting paaaaid, baby, mmm-hmm. (haha) please don't sue me, Wolfie. I love you!!

* * *

Alex couldn't sleep. The rain pattered down on her bedroom window, and it scared her. Everything scared her tonight. Every sound was Velez at her door, in her closet, under her bed. Every shadow was his face, every moon beam was his eyes. Why wasn't she at Olivia's place right now? She had been offered a bed there. Why hadn't she taken it?  
  
_Because you didn't want Olivia to see you crouched on your bed, clutching a pistol to your chest for safety_, Alex told herself. She realized how pathetic she looked, holding her father's old hand gun like it was a teddy bear, but she couldn't bring herself to put it down. It was her safety net, at least until the next morning.  
  
Alex took three deep breaths. _In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Calm down, Cabot,_ she ordered. _He's not here. If he was, you'd be dead by now_.  
  
"No," she said aloud. "He wants to torture me."  
  
_Oh great, now you're talking to yourself. Way to keep sane_.  
  
Alex sighed, swung her legs over the side of the bed, and stood. She wasn't sure where she was going. Perhaps to her living room, to try to make sense of the test pattern on her TV screen. No, she'd done that last night when she couldn't sleep. Reading? No, she couldn't concentrate on the words. Not now. Maybe not ever, unless Velez was caught. Which was probably never going to happen.  
  
All the possibilties, and her last ounce of bravery, disappeared when there was a knock on her front door. She walked slowly from her bedroom, through her living room, to the door. Before she reached it, there was another knock and this time a voice. "Alex? If you don't answer in about thirty seconds, I'm knocking this door down and coming in after you."  
  
Alex let out a long breath. She knew that voice. She opened the door slightly, to make sure it was him.  
  
"Needed visual confirmation?" he asked, cheekily. She smiled and opened it fully, allowing him inside.  
  
"What are you doing here, John?" she asked, though not unkindly. He shrugged.  
  
"I wanted to make sure you were all right," he explained. "I called Benson, and when I found out you weren't there, I got sort of... worried."  
  
"You don't seem the type to worry, Detective," Alex said, briskly. She turned and started fiddling with some magazines on her coffee table, simply because she felt heat rising to her face.  
  
"When I'm in danger of loosing someone as precious as you, I get worried, Counselor," John said. Alex's eyes narrowed in confusion.  
  
"Precious, huh?" she teased. John gave out a frustrated sigh.  
  
"To the unit, I mean, Alex," he said. "We still have a professional relationship."  
  
"Of course we do, John, I was only kidding," she said, turning back around, though she was slightly embarrassed.  
  
"You need more practice in that area," John informed her, beginning to wander around her living room. He found his way to her bookshelf, as Alex half expected. He bent over, looking like a college professor, studying the binds.  
  
"Why, Alexandra," he said, with mock surprise, "they're all _law_ books. How odd. What are you, some sort of lawyer?"  
  
She rolled her eyes and shook her head as he gave her a wry smile. "You are something, Munch."  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Oh, wasn't it?" John asked, turning to face her fully.  
  
"Not technically," Alex said, sitting down on her couch, and motioning for him to do the same. "It was more of an observation."  
  
"Oh really?" he said, taking her invitation. "I saw it as a compliment, but I suppose you'd have to define observation."  
  
"Define compliment," she countered. John smiled.  
  
"You're voice changes just the tiniest bit when you act like a lawyer," he told her. "And _that_ was an observation, not a compliment. I don't normally like lawyers."  
  
"Normally?" Alex repeated. "I don't normally like cynics."  
  
"I suppose there's always room for exceptions."  
  
There was a pause in the conversation, in which John looked about the room. Suddenly, he caught sight of the clock, saw that it was 2:34, and shot off of the couch. He turned to her. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was this late. I should go and let you get your rest."  
  
"No, stay. I really wasn't getting any sleep," Alex insisted. John looked at her quizzically.  
  
"What were you doing then?"  
  
"I was just... trying to relax."  
  
John sat slowly back down, when he saw the expression on her face. It was a mixture of sadness, anxiety and... something he'd never seen before. "You're afraid, aren't you."  
  
It wasn't a question, and Alex realized this. Still, the prosecutor in her felt obligated to answer. "Yes, I'm afraid. Wouldn't you be?"  
  
"Of course," he said, matter-of-factly. "I'm human, not stupid, although sometimes they come in the same package. But, all that aside, I came by to comfort you, and I'm not doing a very good job. What normally makes you relax?"  
  
"I don't know," Alex said. "Music, I suppose."  
  
"Right, music. Where do you keep you're, uh... music?"  
  
"You mean CDs?"  
  
"Yeah, those."  
  
Alex restrained herself from rolling her eyes. "They're in my bedroom, on the shelf. I only have a...few."  
  
But he was already gone. He returned a few minutes later, holding a CD in his hands and looking at it quizzically. "The Goo Goo Dolls? What the hell kind of name is that?"  
  
"If you didn't like the name, why'd you take that CD? I have others you know."  
  
"Barely," John scoffed as he began fiddling with the stereo. "Did you know you have a _Britney Spears_ CD in there?"  
  
Alex laughed. "It's from my niece for my birthday."  
  
John looked at her for a second over the rims of his glasses, and looked back down almost instantly. "Oh, I didn't know you had a niece," he said, absently.  
  
"My little sister's daughter. She's seven now."  
  
"What's her name?"  
  
"Violet."  
  
"Oh." John turned now to face her and pressed the play button dramactically. "There. Now, relax. That's an order."  
  
Alex leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes, allowing her mind to drift into the music, breathing deeply as the lyrics washed over her. They calmed her, almost freeing her of the worry. But it wasn't just the music. It was the man in the room with her.  
  
_And I'd give up forever to touch you,  
'Cause I know that you fel me somehow,  
You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be,  
And I don't want to go home right now._  
  
"Alex?" Alex opened her eyes to see John watching her. "Do you happen to dance to relax, too?"  
  
_And all I can taste is this moment,  
And all I can breathe is your life,  
Sooner or later it's over,  
I just don't want to miss you tonight._  
  
Alex gave him a wry smile. "Are you _flirting_, Detective?"  
  
He returned her smile. "Do you care?"  
  
"Not particularly." Alex took the hand he held out to her, and John pulled her close to his chest.  
  
_And I don't want the world to see me,  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,  
When everything's made to be broken,  
I just want you to know who I am._  
  
Alex rested her head on his shoulder and they swayed. They didn't dance, really. It was more John holding her, rocking her, comforting her.  
  
"Are you still scared?" he whispered into her ear.  
  
"Not anymore."  
  
_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,  
Or the moment of truth in your lies,  
When everything feels like the movies,  
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive._  
  
John pulled away from her to look at her face. Alex was thankful his arms were sitll around her waist. She tilted her head quizzically.  
  
"What?" she asked, innocently. John chuckled a litte.  
  
"You're just so beautiful right now."  
  
_And I don't want the world to see me,  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,  
When everything's made to be broken,  
I just want you to know who I am.  
_  
Alex was a little shocked at first, but her heart warmed up to the compliment. "What about our professional relationship?" she asked.  
  
_I just want you to know who I am._  
  
John pulled her back to him and whispered, "This is better."  
  
_I just want you to know who I am._  
  
Alex moved her head quickly to press her lips against his. He seemed shocked for a moment, but allowed himself to move into the kiss. There was so much passion and grace that when Alex pulled away, John strained to reach her again. He opened his eyes to see her beautiful face, and was alarmed to find tears rolling down her cheeks. He pulled her back to him and she ran her hands through his hair, as if grasping at something she could never reach.  
  
"Don't leave me, John," she pleaded, quietly. "Please don't leave."  
  
"I won't," John promised. "I won't."


	2. Background

**A/N:** That's right, another brooding, romantic John fic. (Well, technically it's the same fic, different chapter, but _anyways_...) Enjoy. Please Read and Review!!

* * *

_Everything is quiet since you're not around,  
And I live in the numbness now,  
In the background._

__   
  
It wasn't for a while that John realized he hated New York without her. Maybe even a month. Since Alex died, he knew something was different, and unpleasantly so, but it wasn't for a while that the realized that he hated everything about New York unless she was there. Even if they had only spent one night together, it was that one night that he would remember forever.

  
_I do the things we did before,  
I walk Haight Street to the store,  
And they say where's that crazy girl,  
You don't get drunk on red wine, and fight no more,  
I don't see you anymore,  
Since the hospital,  
The plans I make still have you in them._

He did everything the same as he had before that night, not letting on to anyone that he and Alex had spent her last night together. Not even Fin, although normally he would have flaunted it to Fin, whom he knew to be attracted to the beautiful lawyer. Of course, no one could not be attracted to Alex. She was so beautiful, so elegant, and so brilliant. She was the type of person that you never knew exsisted except in fairy-tales, until she walked into the room, and even then, she was a dream. The way she walked, talked, smiled, cried. John had seen it all from her, and he could remember everything she'd said to him that night. Every word was important to him, now more than ever.

  
_'Cause you come swimmin' into view,  
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,  
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you,  
I only know because I carry you around,  
In the background,  
I'm in the background._

The hours laying with her in her bed, allowing her to cuddle him, even though he hardly ever did that after sex. With her, it only seemed natural to have his arm around her and her head on his chest, her warm breath keeping him awake. And not minding that he couldn't sleep, because she was there for him to look at. He didn't sleep a wink that night, because he had better things to do. Watch her dream. Run his hands through her hair. Hold her. Comfort her when she woke up crying that one time, around two in the morning. And the way she had just cried into his shoulder, not even questioned the fact that he was there... it made him feel as if he always should have been. Why did it take him so long to tell her that?

  
_Girls they come and memories all repeat,  
I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets,  
'Ey, I would never lie to you, No,  
I would never lie to you, No,  
I felt you long after we were through,  
We were through,  
The plans I make still have you in them._

Sometimes he forgot that she wasn't there anymore. Sometimes he would wake up, after dreaming that night all over again, and wonder where she was. Why she wasn't laying in his arms. When that happened, everything felt so hopeless. He would look out the windows, and realize how much he hated this place, this city. It had been his home for so long, but now without her, now that he'd had her, it all seemed too abyssmal to bother trying to save it. Hell, he could barely see the sun through the smog in the morning. How he wished he could be somewhere with Alex, sitting on a porch swing, watching the sun rise, or set, or both. It didn't matter as long as he could hold her again.

  
_'Cause you come swimming into view,  
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,  
The words we use so lightly, I only feel for you,  
I only know because I carry you around,  
In the background.  
'Cause I felt you long after we were through._

He could still feel her lips kissing him, her hands running through his hair, and her silky hair laying, spread out, across is chest as he held her. He could still see her laughing above him with that same hair billowing over her shoudler, her sincere gentle smile when he asked her to dance, and the way she lifted her chin proudly when he argued with her, with that soft look of uncertainty still twinkling in her baby blue eyes. He could still taste her tears as he had kissed them from her cheeks, and smell that soft vanilla that she always smelled like. It was so soft and subtle that at times, he thought he imagined it, but he couldn't have. It was so vividly remembered that it had to have been her. Who else could it be?

  
_When you come swimmin' into view,  
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,  
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you,  
I only know because I'm way, I'm way,  
In the background,  
I'm in the background._

But still, John went to work every day, ignoring the temptations to run away from the damn city that he was always drawn back to. The city that he had spent his childhood in, vowing to move away from the hopelessness of it all, but still being sucked in. He didn't, of course, run away. He knew he wouldn't have made it very far. If Alex had been with him, he would have run, though, because if she was with him... there was no point in coming back. 


End file.
